Can't sleep...

Eyes.
Hands.
Teeth.
A sightless orb.
A shaky touch.
A crooked smile.

Lashes.
Nails.
Lips.
A nervous twitch.
A bitten stump.
An awkward laugh.

These are my eyes.
These are my hands.
These are my teeth.
These are my lashes,
my nails,
my lips.

A cracked, blue stone.

This is my heart.

Model Citizen

Freja Beha Erichsen...❤

Manta

Mr. Lee Alexander McQueen❤❤❤

Watch. Listen. Write. Draw. Dance. Play.

Distractions prolong my life. It's all about distractions. Find something to do. Something to look at. Find something - anything to occupy your mind other than what's naturally there. Sitting there, in the back of my mind - and at the forefront. Sitting there, like a lump on a log - like a dark, black thing. Creeping, oozing, whispering - no - SCREAMING.


"Die, die, die."


Distractions. Even if I have to use my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Throw down coins and turn them all tails up, tails up is right. No heads.
All facing the same, proper direction.
Arrange them in an even, symmetrical fashion.
Make sure everything is straight.
Take a photo of it - to maintain evidence of this tiny perfection.

Calm.

That's how it works.

It's all in the distractions.

It's coming...

...

...

Fin.

this is emptiness.

Tonight I am sad.
Sad, sad, sad.
And lonely.
Always lonely.

I am not alone - I have a man, a family, friends... but I always feel alone. I am always lonely.

I hate this feeling. I feel so empty inside.

Heartbeats.

Heart beats.

He eats art, b!

;-P

teeth.

When I see someone smile, my first thought is: "is it fake or genuine?". False smiles are easy to detect for me, and they make me wonder about all the things that are behind them - or all the things that are missing behind them.

I see a man on the street with a closed smile. I think, "do you smile white and bright and happy? or do you have sharp metal teeth that you grind for nights on end, like me?"

Does anyone else wonder what's behind a smile? Mine is crooked and awkward, and rarely sincere. Does that make me a liar? I think we are all just playing a part, after all.

Does your heart smile? Or just the character you play?

These aren't so accurate I think, but...

私はあなたの言語を学びたい.
Je veux apprendre votre langue.
Jeg ønsker å lære språket.
Я хочу узнать ваш язык.
난 당신의 언어를 배우고 싶습니다.
Eu quero aprender o idioma.

...also Romani. I think the Roma are beautiful.

私は痛みに思います。私を解放してください。

insomnia.

NELL (넬) - 치유 MV

To you.

I don't know why I can't say these things anymore exactly. Perhaps it's because I'm afraid of you. Not afraid in the traditional sense. I am not afraid you will hurt me physically, or verbally. I am not afraid you will hurt me at all - not on purpose anyway. I know you love me. Perhaps it is because although I know you truly wish for my happiness, you have a selfish side - a side that is bigger, that overrides your wishes for me to be happy. I fear if I tell you my feelings, display my emotions, if I even frown - that you will be angry, annoyed or disappointed. I guess after all this time I have lost the will to stand up for my own heart. I am too tired, too weak. I can no longer bear to risk an argument with you. I don't think our love is strong enough to handle many more.

So now I bite my tongue. I can't tell you how I feel. I suspected this, but today I found out for sure. It's not the worst thing. It's just another sadness to add to my overbearing bundle of sadnesses I carry constantly on my back, in my mind.

I know you'd say "just tell me how you feel," and "it's okay." But I know it isn't. I can read you too well. It's too predictable.

I am afraid and so instead, I choose silence.